I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
