Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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