$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
