i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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