haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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