Already got asked if we're dating
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
