Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
