Where are you?
In a non slutty way
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
