Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
