We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize