Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
