we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
