K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
