I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
