Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
