I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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