May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
