haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
