I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
