I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
