rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
