My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
