I need to stop coming to work sober
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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