She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
