forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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