so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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