I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
