your parents love me but you hate me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
