I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
