I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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