we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
