I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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