I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i drank out of a bidet.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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