I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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