ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
