I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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