grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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