just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize