My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
