don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
