Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
