I can tuck mytits in my pants
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A bitchslap is in order.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
