while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
