i permit you to call me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
