why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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