i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My vagina is officially offended.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
