o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
