Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
