We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
