I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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