I smell stomach acid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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