Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize