Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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