apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
