I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am naked and annoyed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize